grieving

Hello everyone!

If you read my post from yesterday, you would know that I recently suffered the loss of my grandfather. I wrote about it to commemorate his life, but also because I thought it might help anyone going through something similar. Grieving the loss of someone in your life, especially someone close to you, is a very difficult thing. I was extremely close with my grandmother, and when she died a couple years ago it was hard for me to deal with- it took months for me to adjust and feel normal again. It’s a sad and odd thing to say, but I think the “experience” that I gained from that is what’s making it a little easier to grieve and accept the recent loss of my grandpa.

I am not an expert in grief by any means, and if you are having a hard time I suggest you seek grief counseling or other professional help if you are able. That being said, I would like to share a few things that have helped me move through the stages of grief and move on in hopes that they may help you. We all deal with things differently, but these are a few general things that I think could help most people.

Talk about it – I completely understand if you need time to process it before knowing what to say, but it’s important to let your feelings out rather than keeping them bottled up inside. Find someone you can trust who will listen and comfort you, and don’t feel bad about burdening them with it- if they care about you, they most likely want nothing more than for you to feel better. If you can’t find someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to, seek group therapy or counseling if possible.
Write a letter to the person – If too many thoughts are going through your head, or you feel you didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to the person you lost, let all of your thoughts out in a letter. Tell them all the things you wish you could tell them in person, tell them all the things you love about them- whatever you want. You can keep the letter afterwards if you want, but I recommend throwing it away so there’s actually some sense of closure.
Meditate/pray/do whatever correlates with your religion and/or spirituality – Depending on your religious and/or spiritual beliefs, this may differ, but I highly recommend having some sort of mindful practice in reaching out to God and/or the universe. It also helps since you’re probably very overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts, and I think these practices are comforting during any tough time in general.
Attend the funeral/service if there is one, but on your terms – I highly recommend attending the funeral or whatever service you are having if you’re able to, even if it seems like a hard thing to do. You’ll be among family and friends going through the same thing, and that’s comforting in itself. Also, you can honor the life of your loved one and it will make you think of more positive memories with them, shifting to a better mindset.
Look at the big picture – I know they’re common things that everyone will tell you, but look at the positives: they’re in a better place, they’re no longer suffering, they’re in heaven (depending on what you believe), etc. Say these things to yourself and really believe in them, because it will make you feel better.
Find your community – This could be in group therapy or in your family and friends if they are experiencing the same feelings; whoever can relate to you, talk and listen, and will be there for you is a huge comfort. You are never alone in your sadness or grief.
Go easy on yourself – Don’t expect yourself to move on and feel better right away. Give yourself time. Take things one step at a time, and don’t ask too much of yourself as far as going back to school/work and getting back into the business of your daily schedule. For each tiny step to moving on, give yourself a pat on the back. This isn’t easy no matter what the situation is, and you’re a survivor for getting through it.

I really hope this helps out any of you who have recently lost someone in your life and are in the process of grieving. Remember, you are never alone, and you will get through this eventually- these things take time. Also, be there for the adults in your life who are grieving as well. I know us as kids/teens often think they have it together and can deal with these types of matters better or easier than us, but they’re in the same boat. Above all, I am so sorry for any of your losses if you are in this situation, and I am here for you if you need anything.

Brooke

I write this on January 4th, 2020- 3 days after my paternal grandfather left this world. It was a devastating way to begin the new year and new decade, but it was not completely unexpected. My grandpa has endured countless health problems over the last few years including a stroke, a heart surgery, and more. After surviving them all, I guess I thought of him as being some type of invincible. I knew he couldn’t live forever, but I didn’t expect his life to come to the sharp ending that it did.

A few weeks ago, he caught pneumonia- not deadly to everyone, but deadly to a fragile elderly person like himself. He couldn’t breathe, and he was getting weaker. My grandma called on Christmas to tell us the news and that he was in the hospital, but she said the doctor assumed he would make a full recovery and go home in a couple days. On December 27th, the news changed severely; my grandpa had been moved to the ICU. They predicted he now only had a 50/50 chance of recovering or dying. My dad booked a flight to Hawaii (where my grandparents live) and left the next morning; he booked his return flight for two weeks later, but we were all uncertain if he would actually be returning on that date. My dad didn’t want my mom, my brother, and I to go because it would be too chaotic and there wasn’t enough room in the house for us all since other family members flew in as well.

As the next few days went on, his health continued to decline. We’d get text updates from my dad every few hours, and on December 30th, we found out the worst was finally true: he wasn’t going to recover. They started giving him morphine to make the death less painful, and he was weaving in and out of consciousness. My mom had my dad hold the phone up so we could all say goodbye, and hearing his weak voice and his confusion to what was going on broke my heart. That was the most I’d cried in a while. He eventually went into a permanent unconscious state, but his body systems were still shutting down; he didn’t actually die until about 10:00am (Hawaii’s time zone). Since we knew it was going to happen, I felt numb. I couldn’t believe it was real.

My dad is still in Hawaii helping my grandma pack up the house in Hawaii and put it up for sale, as well as managing the cremation of my grandpa. They will be back later this week (only a few days after you’ll be reading this, probably) and my grandma and her dog are coming to live with us until she finds a nice condo in California. Living alone will be a huge adjustment, but she didn’t want to stay in Hawaii by herself, faraway from the rest of our family anymore. Things are going to be absolutely chaotic with another person and a dog in our tiny house (in case you’re unaware, I do not have a dog and we have never had a dog in my house… my dad is “allergic”…. long story), but we have to be there to support my grandma.

I know I’m not the best at telling this story, but it’s mainly because I’ve been hearing most of it secondhand. The reason I still thought it was important to include it was just to emphasize that life is so fragile, and you never know when it’s about to be taken away. The same day that we found out my grandpa had a 50/50 chance of recovering, my best friend’s dog died. It’s crazy how fast things change, and all of a sudden you’re left scrambling to pick up the pieces of fallout. At first I was angry with the universe for my grandpa’s death, especially it being a “first impressions” of sorts of the new year, but I’ve since thought of the silver lining. From the very beginning of this year, I’ve already been thrown a huge curveball of emotions, but that means that this year is going to focus a lot on adaptation and growth. I can tell I’m going to learn a lot from this experience, and there’s tons more learning to come.

To bring things back to my grandpa, I wanted to say a few words about him. As far as I’ve known him, my grandpa was a kind and quiet man. He cracked a lot of jokes, he called me the “California princess,” and most importantly, he loved me and the rest of my family a lot. I’m sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to you in person, Grandpa, but if you’re somehow reading this over my shoulder as I write, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I’ll miss you. Make sure to watch over us and keep us safe. More than anything, I’m glad you’re no longer suffering or having to deal with health issues.

As I looked away from my computer screen, I noticed a little rainbow reflecting on my nightstand. I don’t know if that’s some sort of sign from the universe, but I’ll take it as one. Yes, this was a challenging start to the year, but I’m no stranger to a challenge. Remember to tell your family members you love them and be there for them during their struggles- it’s not always something I did with my grandpa, and now I’m unable to be there for him at all. I know he understands and still knows how I feel, but I wish I could’ve been a “better person” and done more. I love you Grandpa, and I hope I make you proud.

Brooke