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I Don’t Want to Go Into STEM. Should I?

BrookeLeave a comment

Welcome back everyone!

My dad told me when I was little that he hoped I would continue to pick up math quickly because then I could become an engineer and make lots of money when I grew up. Whenever he told me this, I would nod my head, but I had a feeling that wouldn’t really be what I wanted. I’m no math whiz, but I’ve always gotten good grades in math and I tend to enjoy the subject when I have a helpful teacher. I’m decent at math, but it’s not my favorite thing- same with science. People always say STEM fields and jobs are where the future and the money is- they’re not wrong, but it doesn’t mean that’s what I want to spend the rest of my life doing.

Most of the kids in my (honors/AP) classes want to be engineers, doctors, or something else in STEM. I don’t. I’ve always felt like I should, because most of the high-achieving, smart kids around me do. If I’m high-achieving and smart (or aspiring to be), shouldn’t I like these things that are usually labeled as the jobs/fields high-achieving, smart people like and want to do? I still ask myself this from time to time, but I’m not putting pressure on myself to do or like anything that I wouldn’t genuinely pick up on my own. Everyone has their own interests, and I know that’s not my path. Sometimes I question it, of course, but I just have that instinct that it’s not for me since I don’t particularly enjoy those topics.

It’s more important to do what you love anyways, regardless of prestige or money (to an extent). I’m more interested in the humanities, and English and history classes have always been my favorite. I also love my Spanish class, I loved AP Psychology and I love learning about law (my childhood dream was to be a lawyer). I’m interested in the quantitative side of some of these subjects, but not math or hard sciences themselves. My mom always says it’s more important to find what I’m passionate about and explore different things along the way since I still have time, whereas my dad will still push the whole STEM-being-the-most-secure-future thing.

People always try to make STEM fields seem superior and hate on the humanities, saying STEM majors/jobs are harder, but any job or major or interest can be more complex and difficult depending on how you’re diving into it. It’s different since it’s just high school, but at my school, English and history classes tend to have reputations as being the hardest. I don’t feel bad about wanting to go into something that might not be “the job of the future” because I want to find and do what I love.

The last thing I wanted to touch on is the call for women to go into STEM. My dad had me watch some news special or documentary type thing on how companies want more women in the field and there’s definitely a demand for it. However, there’s TONS of sexual harassment and gender inequality at a lot of the big tech companies for women who do go into those fields. I wouldn’t want to put myself through the atmosphere of these male-dominated companies, especially considering I’m also just not interested in those types of jobs.

I recently watched Good Trouble (an amazing show and the sequel to The Fosters) on Hulu, and one of the characters works at a tech-startup and is one of the only women who works there. The guys on her team don’t take her seriously and she finds out she’s also being paid a lot less. I know it might not be a completely realistic depiction of a woman in STEM’s life and there are a ton of amazing, powerful women who probably have better experiences in the industry, but I think it definitely draws attention to some of the unacceptable behavior towards women in those types of workplaces.

If you’ve been in a similar mindset as I have, or are questioning whether to pursue a certain job/major/etc. in STEM or something else based on what others are doing and the prestige/money involved, just take a second to evaluate your priorities. If you have the skills for it and prestige or money/a secure future is the most important thing in your life, that is completely respectable and you should act accordingly. However, if you know that something else is your calling that you truly love, you should consider that first.

I hope talking about this draws attention to the internal conflict and thoughts that I know a lot of other people besides me must have as well. I promise it’s worth it to follow your heart, and you’ll usually end up being most successful at the things you love to do and see yourself pursuing the most.

Brooke

A Love Letter to My Middle School & Teachers

BrookeLeave a comment

Welcome back everyone!

The week that this post goes up is actually finals week at my school, so I will be getting through my sophomore year first semester finals as you’re reading this. During tough and stressful times in school, I can’t help but be thankful for the people who have helped me get this far in my education and shaped my view on how important learning is. A great deal of shaping myself into the student I am and aspire to be now happened in middle school, and I am so thankful for that. I’ve already posted a love letter to my high school teachers (that I’ve had so far) in the past, so make sure to check that out if you haven’t!

Middle school was a strange time in my life- it is for everyone. You’re starting to grow up and you think you’re grown up but you’re really not, school actually starts to get harder and you’re put on a track that you’re kind of expected to follow through the rest of your schooling career, and it’s your first taste of balancing multiple classes, a social life, and options for extracurriculars beyond recreational classes and sports teams through your local rec center. You don’t just have one teacher that is tasked with helping you through the day-you’re expected to ask for help.

I hated my middle school sometimes (the dress code was extremely strict and sexist), but I had amazing and helpful teachers (for the most part) that made those weird few years easier and even fun (sometimes). I actually did struggle through a few of my classes, but I’m glad I did- I ended up strengthening my study skills a lot and becoming a much better student which was a huge deal going into high school. Now that you have all this background on me, think back on your own middle school experiences, especially your classes/teachers, and how they impacted you. With that, here’s the letter I would write to my middle school and teachers.

To my middle school teachers and anyone else at the school,

Thank you so much for all your hard work. First of all, people don’t appreciate teachers enough. I could never do what you do, especially working with this extremely fickle and strange age group. You work to mold these kids into students that will be successful in high school and the other next steps in their life, and you made such a difference when it comes to me and my personal experiences as a student. I wouldn’t be where I am without you. Thank you for integrating so many different types of lesson plans and projects to keep us interested and always learning something new. Thank you for setting us up with knowledge we didn’t even know we would need again in our high school classes.

Thank you for giving it your best effort to make school fun with Friday lunch music in the quad, themed school dances with lights and DJs, special events for eighth graders, the trip to D.C. (aka the best trip of all time), and more. Thank you for actually making me feel at home at school. Thank you for having fun electives that allowed me to experience activities I never thought I would. A special thank you for having woodshop as an elective and giving me a second family to rant to that year. Thank you for making school fun again, and reminding me that I love to learn.

Thank you for making me struggle a little bit sometimes and forcing me to figure things out for myself, something I hadn’t always been able to do before. Even though it wasn’t actually that hard, it was hard at the time and it pushed me to be better. Thank you for helping me gain confidence in myself and realize that I could be successful as long as I put the work in. Thank you for having fun honors classes and having these opportunities to challenge myself, because it made me crave more challenging classes in high school. Thank you for beginning to put us on the long path of college prep and figuring out who we want to be in life, even though we obviously didn’t and still don’t have a clue.

Thank you for being you, and getting me through middle school. At the time, that was all that mattered.

I hope this reminds you of all the amazing work teachers do for the youth of today. Make sure to let your teachers know how thankful you are for all their help, teaching, and support. I’m so lucky to have had mostly amazing experiences with my teachers- I know not every person/school has that privilege.

Brooke

How I Organize My Closet (Before Renovation!)

BrookeLeave a comment

Hello everyone!

Today I have another organization and room-related post. If you’ve been around for a while, you might’ve read my posts about the recent bathroom renovations in my house. My parents found an independent contractor through a friend for the renovations, and they also wanted to get the closets in our house redone. The contractor offered to throw them into the price of our bathroom renovations as a small addition (aka a LOT cheaper than actual closet renovation companies) since we had already given them a lot of business. We’re working with them to determine what systems of organization (shelving vs. drawers, etc.) we want in the closets right now, but soon we’ll be back in renovation mode.

As part of my New Year’s cleaning last week, I also tried to go through my closet, clean it out, and reorganize some things. I figured it would be interesting to do a post on how I’ve kept it organized before the renovation, and I’ll make a similar post after it’s completed. My closet initially came with nothing but one hanging rod and a shelf at the top, so I’ve had to figure out my own little do-it-yourself ways to put some sort of structure in and organize everything. As a disclaimer, I also have a dresser and I keep my sneakers/everyday shoes lined up in a different part of my room, so it is a bit easier for me to keep my closet organized because of that.

On the left side of my closet, I keep most of my clothes in plastic drawers. The three-drawer container on the top is from Target, and the one on the bottom is from Target but not currently in stores. From top to bottom, here’s how I organize the drawers: one drawer for fuzzy socks and other cold-weather accessories, one for socks, bras, and underwear, one for all of my cheer outfits and other school spirit wear, one for non-jean shorts and non-jeans or sweatpants pants, one for jeans and sweatpants, and one for all my pajamas. On top of the first container, I have my current memory box which is about to be overflowing. I have all my skirts hanging and a bunch of extra pants hangers from Target, and all my rompers/dresses hanging. In the small open floor space next to my laundry basket, I keep my cheer shoes, slippers, my UGG boots, and my two pairs of dressy shoes/heels. On the top shelf, I have an extra shoebox (my next memory box!) and another pair of cheer shoes on top of it, next to… another pair of cheer shoes. I have my suitcase leaning against these.

On the right side of my closet, I keep my laundry basket on the ground next to two more sets of storage drawers from Target. From top to bottom, I have one drawer for long sleeve shirts, one for fancier shirts, one for my cuter t-shirts to wear to school, and one for all my shirts I’ve accumulated from volunteer events, cheer events, and other extracurriculars. I have the rest of my dresses hanging, and all of my jackets, along with a bunch of extra pants hangers and other hangers. On the top shelf, I have a bin from Target full of tote bags and Lululemon bags that I can use for various things to carry stuff around to school and friends’ houses. I also have a huge plastic bin from Target which is kind of my ultimate memory box. I have yearbooks, scrapbooks, my childhood stuffed animals, and anything I actually thought was important enough to save from when I was little.

I know it’s kind of basic, but I’m proud of how organized I’ve been able to keep things. If you have a similar closet situation, I highly recommend going to Target and finding some plastic bins and storage drawers to help organize your space as much as possible. They’re fairly inexpensive, which is why I ended up using them until now, and they’ve worked perfectly for the purpose I used them for. I’m excited to get my closet professionally redone so I can sort of design my own organization system, but you definitely don’t have to do that and spend a bunch of money to have a nice and organized space.

I hope this inspires you to organize your closet. If you guys were interested in this, definitely keep a lookout for my closet organization post-renovations post! I have no clue when renovation will start and end or when I’ll be able to post about it, but it will happen eventually 🙂

-Brooke

Jumble – Poem by Me

BrookeLeave a comment

Hello everyone!

This is going to be a much shorter post than usual- I thought I would try something new and share a bit of writing on here. I wrote this on the fly to encapsulate what I’d been trying to write in my normal blog post format, but couldn’t figure how to do so.

my head’s a jumble of thoughts wanting to absorb all the information it can before it explodes constantly overwhelmed; no one to blame because i’m doing it to myself have you ever seen a balloon that would pump air into itself until it popped? i bet you haven’t. but that’s me i want to fly, but i can’t if i drag myself down. i have to continue to rise before the pressure gets to be too much before i pop, before i go into freefall because then, the thoughts would jumble themselves again

It’s a little scary posting some of my writing and something so different than what I normally write on this blog. I would love to hear your thoughts and if you would like to read more like this 🙂

Brooke

A Love Letter to My High School & Teachers (so far!)

BrookeLeave a comment

Hello everyone!

Today I am going to be giving credit where credit is due; this year so far and all of last year, I have had the most amazing teachers. I’d always had fairly good experiences with my teachers in my schooling experience, but I’ve been introduced to some of the smartest, funniest, and overall best teachers I’ve ever had since starting high school. I could never be a teacher myself and I don’t think I would want to be, but I have such a special place in my heart for these wonderful people who have dedicated their lives to educating our country’s youth. If you’re interested in my perspective on this topic or what I would like to say about my teachers, keep reading!

To all my teachers I’ve had in high school thus far,

Thank you so much for your service. Thank you for coming to school everyday just like us, and making an effort to entertain us, and to make the lessons more interesting. Thank you for not giving up when half of the class isn’t listening, or when our grades don’t reflect the work you’ve put into teaching us. Thank you for making us learn, if not from the physical work, but from the life lessons and other skills we gain from listening to you and communicating with you.

I can’t imagine doing your job. You work so hard, and I want you to know that even though we may not show it all the time, your students appreciate you a lot. We know you’re just as tired and worn down as we are by the end of a semester, and we know we give you a hard time- we’re working on it. We don’t want to disappoint you, and we feel bad when we do. Sometimes, I don’t think you realize how much. Also, know that we appreciate your efforts to make class fun. It doesn’t go unnoticed- I’d much rather listen to interesting stories and have a variety of lesson plans than do the same thing in class everyday.

Thank you for empathizing with us. I know you were once in our position, and it means a lot when you try to make things easier for us or can at least crack some jokes to lighten the mood when everyone’s stressed about their grades. Thank you for understanding that the general attitude of dislike towards school isn’t a personal attack on you- all of you are fascinating and brilliant people that I would love to learn more from. Thank you for understanding that there’s more than one type of student. We all learn differently, some of us are quieter or louder, and that’s okay.

Thank you for being accessible. I feel comfortable asking you questions and I’m so thankful that you have made time in class and after-class or during lunch to answer them. You’ve made it easier and more comfortable to ask for help, which I’ve always had trouble mustering up the courage to do in the past. Thank you for understanding that we’re just high-schoolers, and can’t be perfect. At the same time, thank you for holding us to a high standard, and forcing us to rise to your expectations.

Overall, thank you for doing what you do and making school more enjoyable. Your classes are hard, but they are rewarding, and I’ve learned so much from you. I’ve fallen back in love with learning since entering high school, so thank you for bringing out a better side of me and my intellect.

Brooke

10 Basic Things I Unapologetically Love

BrookeLeave a comment

Welcome back everyone!

Before the new year began, I made a mental note that I wanted to be ~myself~ more unapologetically. I feel like I’m pretty open with my thoughts and everything on this blog regardless, but I was trying to think of interesting post ideas that could relate to this goal. Eventually, the title of this post popped into my head- I’m going to be talking about a few things that are very basic, but that I still love anyways because hey, I’m a pretty basic girl. It reminds me of a topic that would be some YouTube tag from back when tag videos were the thing to do on YouTube, but oh well! I loved those videos anyway 🙂 If you want to find out my basic guilty pleasures, keep on reading.

  1. Starbucks drinks – I had to start with probably the most basic thing to get it over with. To preface this, I (funnily enough) used to HATE Starbucks; I thought it was overpriced, overrated, and bland. It all changed on one sleep-deprived day at yearbook camp, when I finally tried the iced caramel macchiato that all my friends loved… it’s been true love ever since. I’m honestly not the biggest coffee fan though, so I expanded my horizons and tried the mango dragonfruit refresher with lemonade added- I would highly recommend that as well. If all else fails, I love their hot chocolate on any cold day.
  2. Glossier balm.com chapstick – I was reluctant to give into the Glossier hype at first, and I’m not the biggest fan of some of their actual makeup products, but I LOVE the balm.com lip balm. I got it in birthday cake for my birthday last year and it was the best chapstick I’d ever had. I also enjoyed the coconut and mint flavors, which I’m currently using.
  3. LUSH bath bombs – I guess this isn’t the most basic thing, it’s more of a self-care thing, but I remember when LUSH was all the rage. I love a good bath and treating myself, and I’ve just found that the bath bombs from LUSH were always my favorite. The scents are so much stronger, and the colors are much more vibrant.
  4. Poetry books like Milk and Honey – Yes, these are the “basic” poetry books that you’ll see pictures of all over social media. I love poetry and I write it quite often (if you’ve stuck around my blog for a while you would know I love to write 🙂 ), and I still enjoy reading “basic” poetry like this. I also recently read the Pillow Thoughts series since I got them all for Christmas, and I enjoyed those as well. Just because they’re shorter and less complicated poems doesn’t mean they’re not good quality writing- I think it’s great that they’ve also reached an atypical audience for poetry as well.
  5. Hydro Flasks – After reading this post, you’ll probably assume I’m a wannabe VSCO girl. You’re entitled to your own opinions, of course, but I’m definitely not. I got my first Hydro Flask four years ago, and I have never used any other type of water bottle since. They keep my water cold all day at school, and they’re very durable despite the fact that they dent easily. My favorite part is the straw lid you can buy, because it’s the best straw functionality I’ve ever had on a reusable water bottle, and I prefer drinking with a straw much more (don’t worry, I got metal ones for Christmas for when I’m not using my Hydro). Plus, they’re just so pretty!
  6. All the trendy shoes (Birkenstocks, Nike AF1s, Doc Martens) – I figured I would just combine these three pairs of shoes into one thing. I got Birkenstocks three years ago for Christmas, Doc Martens last year for Christmas, and Nike AF1s for my birthday last year. They are all pretty much my go-to shoes for school or various occasions, except for when I need something more neutral and I wear slip-on Vans. I live in Birkenstocks outside of school and during the summertime, and Nike AF1s are my go-to slightly dressy sneaker. These are three comfy shoe staples that every girl could use.
  7. Lululemon leggings – Yes, they are worth it. I got my first pair for my birthday in middle school and it completely changed my perspective on leggings and athleisure in general. I know that sounds dramatic, but they’re just so comfy and flattering. I have a couple pairs that I rotate, and they’ve all lasted at least a couple years without much sign of wear or tear. Another plus is that if they rip or anything, if you keep your receipt, they will exchange your damaged pair for a new one free of charge!
  8. Bath and Body Works candles – Again, I remember when these were all the rage on YouTube and their sales would be insanely crowded in my local mall. I’ve moved on from the world of Bath and Body Works perfumes and body lotions, but I still love their candles. They just have the best and most comforting holiday scents, and there are certain fall and winter scents that when I sniff them I just get flooded with memories.
  9. The casual look (hoodies and sweatpants, baby!) – This isn’t really a defined item, it’s more of a fashion taste/look in general. I feel like in the past few years it’s become more acceptable and even trendy to wear loungewear like oversize hoodies and sweatpants out. I have a hoodie collection that grows more and more each year, and I absolutely love to be comfy. Unless it’s summer, a special occasion or I’m feeling like I want to put together an outfit, you will most likely find me in a hoodie and sweats; that’s what I’m wearing right now.
  10. Teen drama shows (like Gossip Girl or Vampire Diaries) – These shows are just irresistible for me. I’ve binge-watched all of the main/most popular ones on Netflix and Hulu, and even a few of the lesser-known ones. I used to have way too much free time on my hands not having any extracurriculars in middle school; I barely watch any TV now, but I do often have my old favorite shows on in the background so I don’t really have to pay attention to them.

These are just a few of my numerous basic girl indulgences. I’m not embarrassed that I like these things, but I am hoping to find some less-basic things that I could talk about and recommend to you guys on this blog in the future. Let me know if we share any of the same guilty pleasures, or if you have any recommendations based on what I’ve shared 🙂

Brooke

Struggling to Get Back Into An Old Hobby? Read This

BrookeLeave a comment

Welcome back everyone!

I’ve recently gotten back into reading, and it’s been difficult to carve out time to nurture my old favorite hobby. As much as I love to read, I have such a busy schedule in addition to other hobbies (like this blog!) that require a lot of time and headspace as well. There are a couple other hobbies I’ve tried to reintroduce into my life previously as well; some worked out, while others didn’t. Once you feel that something is out of your life, it can be difficult to incorporate it back into your daily routine, whether it’s a sport or something less involved, like reading.

If you’re currently having a similar experience, hopefully these tips will help you incorporate your hobby back into your life. I know it can be frustrating when it used to be so natural or so easy for you to do something and now it’s a struggle to prioritize it and bring it back into your life, but it will be very rewarding once you make it a habit again. Plus, hobbies are supposed to be fun! Use these tips, and soon you’ll be having fun again 🙂

  • Utilize time-blocking to find a time for it – If you really want to do something, you’ll have to carve out the time for it. Set a certain window of time each night or each week where you will allow yourself to spend time on this hobby. As you get back into it, if you’re still enjoying it, you can increase this time-block more and more.
  • Have reasonable expectations – If you were really good at your hobby in the past, don’t get discouraged starting out as a newbie again. If you start and it’s like you never left, that’s great too! Depending on the hobby, you may have found that you’ve regressed though, and that’s completely okay as well. Don’t expect to be perfect- you’re probably/hopefully just doing this for fun anyways.
  • Take it slow – If you’re trying to get back into running (I chose this example because it’s basic), you wouldn’t want to start with a marathon. Take baby steps, and reteach yourself the basics even if you think you remember them well enough. I find this is a good reminder as to how much you enjoyed the hobby before, and it’s always good to review in general.
  • Spend time with other people who have that hobby – This will inspire you to spend more time doing it, and it will also usually make you fall in love with your hobby more if you see and listen to people who are super passionate about it talking about it/doing it. It also helps to find your community, because now you can share your love for the hobby together! If it’s running, run together. If it’s reading, start your own book club.
  • If you’re over-scheduled, drop something else – This is also a good test to see if starting to get into your hobby again is worth it/important enough to you. Are you willing to give up something else currently a part of your life in order to have time for it? You don’t want to be too pressed for time, and there needs to be a balance in your life, so you may need to drop something else in order to take on a hobby.
  • Remember the true purpose of a hobby – As I said, hobbies are supposed to be fun! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get to the level that you were at before with your hobby- if you’re starting it up again, hopefully that would mean you actually enjoy it, regardless of your skill level. As long as you’re having fun and making time for yourself to do so, be content with where you are with your hobby in the moment.

I hope these tips helped if you’ve been trying to find the time for an old hobby in your life, or inspired you to start back up with something you used to love doing! I know it’s a challenge at first, but if you truly enjoy the hobby in question, it’s worth making time for and you’ll slip back into it easily. I know that’s been the case with reading- let me know if you have any good book recommendations, by the way 🙂

Brooke

A Teen Girl’s Guide to Grieving The Loss of A Loved One

BrookeLeave a comment

Hello everyone!

If you read my post from yesterday, you would know that I recently suffered the loss of my grandfather. I wrote about it to commemorate his life, but also because I thought it might help anyone going through something similar. Grieving the loss of someone in your life, especially someone close to you, is a very difficult thing. I was extremely close with my grandmother, and when she died a couple years ago it was hard for me to deal with- it took months for me to adjust and feel normal again. It’s a sad and odd thing to say, but I think the “experience” that I gained from that is what’s making it a little easier to grieve and accept the recent loss of my grandpa.

I am not an expert in grief by any means, and if you are having a hard time I suggest you seek grief counseling or other professional help if you are able. That being said, I would like to share a few things that have helped me move through the stages of grief and move on in hopes that they may help you. We all deal with things differently, but these are a few general things that I think could help most people.

  • Talk about it – I completely understand if you need time to process it before knowing what to say, but it’s important to let your feelings out rather than keeping them bottled up inside. Find someone you can trust who will listen and comfort you, and don’t feel bad about burdening them with it- if they care about you, they most likely want nothing more than for you to feel better. If you can’t find someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to, seek group therapy or counseling if possible.
  • Write a letter to the person – If too many thoughts are going through your head, or you feel you didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to the person you lost, let all of your thoughts out in a letter. Tell them all the things you wish you could tell them in person, tell them all the things you love about them- whatever you want. You can keep the letter afterwards if you want, but I recommend throwing it away so there’s actually some sense of closure.
  • Meditate/pray/do whatever correlates with your religion and/or spirituality – Depending on your religious and/or spiritual beliefs, this may differ, but I highly recommend having some sort of mindful practice in reaching out to God and/or the universe. It also helps since you’re probably very overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts, and I think these practices are comforting during any tough time in general.
  • Attend the funeral/service if there is one, but on your terms – I highly recommend attending the funeral or whatever service you are having if you’re able to, even if it seems like a hard thing to do. You’ll be among family and friends going through the same thing, and that’s comforting in itself. Also, you can honor the life of your loved one and it will make you think of more positive memories with them, shifting to a better mindset.
  • Look at the big picture – I know they’re common things that everyone will tell you, but look at the positives: they’re in a better place, they’re no longer suffering, they’re in heaven (depending on what you believe), etc. Say these things to yourself and really believe in them, because it will make you feel better.
  • Find your community – This could be in group therapy or in your family and friends if they are experiencing the same feelings; whoever can relate to you, talk and listen, and will be there for you is a huge comfort. You are never alone in your sadness or grief.
  • Go easy on yourself – Don’t expect yourself to move on and feel better right away. Give yourself time. Take things one step at a time, and don’t ask too much of yourself as far as going back to school/work and getting back into the business of your daily schedule. For each tiny step to moving on, give yourself a pat on the back. This isn’t easy no matter what the situation is, and you’re a survivor for getting through it.

I really hope this helps out any of you who have recently lost someone in your life and are in the process of grieving. Remember, you are never alone, and you will get through this eventually- these things take time. Also, be there for the adults in your life who are grieving as well. I know us as kids/teens often think they have it together and can deal with these types of matters better or easier than us, but they’re in the same boat. Above all, I am so sorry for any of your losses if you are in this situation, and I am here for you if you need anything.

Brooke

Goodbye Grandpa (January 1st, 2020)

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I write this on January 4th, 2020- 3 days after my paternal grandfather left this world. It was a devastating way to begin the new year and new decade, but it was not completely unexpected. My grandpa has endured countless health problems over the last few years including a stroke, a heart surgery, and more. After surviving them all, I guess I thought of him as being some type of invincible. I knew he couldn’t live forever, but I didn’t expect his life to come to the sharp ending that it did.

A few weeks ago, he caught pneumonia- not deadly to everyone, but deadly to a fragile elderly person like himself. He couldn’t breathe, and he was getting weaker. My grandma called on Christmas to tell us the news and that he was in the hospital, but she said the doctor assumed he would make a full recovery and go home in a couple days. On December 27th, the news changed severely; my grandpa had been moved to the ICU. They predicted he now only had a 50/50 chance of recovering or dying. My dad booked a flight to Hawaii (where my grandparents live) and left the next morning; he booked his return flight for two weeks later, but we were all uncertain if he would actually be returning on that date. My dad didn’t want my mom, my brother, and I to go because it would be too chaotic and there wasn’t enough room in the house for us all since other family members flew in as well.

As the next few days went on, his health continued to decline. We’d get text updates from my dad every few hours, and on December 30th, we found out the worst was finally true: he wasn’t going to recover. They started giving him morphine to make the death less painful, and he was weaving in and out of consciousness. My mom had my dad hold the phone up so we could all say goodbye, and hearing his weak voice and his confusion to what was going on broke my heart. That was the most I’d cried in a while. He eventually went into a permanent unconscious state, but his body systems were still shutting down; he didn’t actually die until about 10:00am (Hawaii’s time zone). Since we knew it was going to happen, I felt numb. I couldn’t believe it was real.

My dad is still in Hawaii helping my grandma pack up the house in Hawaii and put it up for sale, as well as managing the cremation of my grandpa. They will be back later this week (only a few days after you’ll be reading this, probably) and my grandma and her dog are coming to live with us until she finds a nice condo in California. Living alone will be a huge adjustment, but she didn’t want to stay in Hawaii by herself, faraway from the rest of our family anymore. Things are going to be absolutely chaotic with another person and a dog in our tiny house (in case you’re unaware, I do not have a dog and we have never had a dog in my house… my dad is “allergic”…. long story), but we have to be there to support my grandma.

I know I’m not the best at telling this story, but it’s mainly because I’ve been hearing most of it secondhand. The reason I still thought it was important to include it was just to emphasize that life is so fragile, and you never know when it’s about to be taken away. The same day that we found out my grandpa had a 50/50 chance of recovering, my best friend’s dog died. It’s crazy how fast things change, and all of a sudden you’re left scrambling to pick up the pieces of fallout. At first I was angry with the universe for my grandpa’s death, especially it being a “first impressions” of sorts of the new year, but I’ve since thought of the silver lining. From the very beginning of this year, I’ve already been thrown a huge curveball of emotions, but that means that this year is going to focus a lot on adaptation and growth. I can tell I’m going to learn a lot from this experience, and there’s tons more learning to come.

To bring things back to my grandpa, I wanted to say a few words about him. As far as I’ve known him, my grandpa was a kind and quiet man. He cracked a lot of jokes, he called me the “California princess,” and most importantly, he loved me and the rest of my family a lot. I’m sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to you in person, Grandpa, but if you’re somehow reading this over my shoulder as I write, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I’ll miss you. Make sure to watch over us and keep us safe. More than anything, I’m glad you’re no longer suffering or having to deal with health issues.

As I looked away from my computer screen, I noticed a little rainbow reflecting on my nightstand. I don’t know if that’s some sort of sign from the universe, but I’ll take it as one. Yes, this was a challenging start to the year, but I’m no stranger to a challenge. Remember to tell your family members you love them and be there for them during their struggles- it’s not always something I did with my grandpa, and now I’m unable to be there for him at all. I know he understands and still knows how I feel, but I wish I could’ve been a “better person” and done more. I love you Grandpa, and I hope I make you proud.

Brooke

Caught Between Writing for An Audience and Writing For Me

BrookeLeave a comment

Hello everyone!

This is going to be a quick post, but it’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately. If you read pretty much any online advice about blogging, you’ll be told to find your niche and build an audience accordingly. As you can tell if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, I don’t really have a niche. I started this blog to cover my summer travels, then launched into high school advice, but I’ve covered many topics completely unrelated to both of those things. Even when I work on my creative writing, I think about this: should I have a signature writing style? How can I make my writing more likely to get accepted/selected for publication and contests? I write to create and I do want to share it with the world, but how much should I be angling it towards others’ enjoyment?

I’ve tried to brainstorm ideas on how I can turn what I’ve been writing about into more of a specific niche. So far, I haven’t really come up with anything, or tried to. I like the ability to write about whatever I want; it also makes it a lot easier to come up with new and interesting post ideas. I don’t want to feel constrained in a hobby I started for fun. On the other hand, if I chose a niche focusing on something I love, wouldn’t that still be fun? I’m not sure. I’m so conflicted on a lot of things I’m doing at the moment- I start activities for fun, but it quickly turns into wanting to get better and needing to appeal to others to do so.

I’m not sure if I should keep writing about whatever I please. I know I would most likely grow my blog a bit more if I chose a niche and stuck to the typical tips expert bloggers will give you, but I feel like it’s too late to do that now. I can’t change everything I’ve written so far (especially the name and URL of this blog), and I don’t want to start a new blog and abandon this one that I’ve put so much time into (7 months of my life, posting almost daily). I know I usually don’t get a lot of comments or engagement on my posts since this is a small blog, but I would love some advice right now. What would you guys like to see, and what brought you to my blog in the first place?

I could go on for longer, but the base of my internal conflict at the moment is this: should I keep blogging the free-form way I have been so I can do whatever I please, or should I pick a niche, clean it up, and try and make my blog more appealing to others? Feel free to leave any thoughts you have or let me know if you’ve had any similar struggles. It’s cheesy but as I’ve ended a lot of posts lately, we’re all in this together 🙂

Brooke